While you were sleeping
by Kyla1
Summary: Chakotay's thoughts as he sits by Kathryn's bedside


While you were sleeping

While you were sleeping.

Here we are again, that's all I can think, what goes so wrong for us? Why is it nothing can ever go right? Why do you always put me through this Kathryn? You leave me here by your bedside, forced to watch you fight for your life, not knowing if I'm ever going to look into your sparkling blue eyes again, if I'm ever going to hear you laugh. 

I can't even remember why you're lying here this time, it's like the second I heard that you were hurt, well I just stopped functioning. I've barely moved from your bedside, not even the Doctors pleas or threats could shift me. I know what you'd be saying now if you were awake, something along the lines of 'pull yourself together,' and 'who's looking after the bridge? That's your responsibility Chakotay!' 

I know exactly what you would want and it definitely has nothing to do with sitting moping around at your bedside, you keep trying to convince all of us that you're expendable, I don't think one person on this ship will believe that. Why do you do this Kathryn? You put yourself in so much danger trying to protect this ship and if any of us get in the way or try and stop you then you bite their head off. You're going to get yourself killed one of these days and then god knows what will happen to Voyager, we need you Kathryn, you're the thing that's keeping us alive, not you being so determined to shield Voyager from harm that you use yourself as a shield. 

It tears me up inside, it really does, every single time you get hurt, physically or otherwise. Every time you grieve, every time you cry every time you break down I'm feeling it too, I know that you would never let anybody onboard this ship see you fall apart and if you knew that I could tell when you were at your lowest ebb you'd try to push me away. I wish you wouldn't push me away so much, all I want to do is love you, but you will never allow me to do that, I've been told time and time again by you that you can't stand 'mothering' as you put it. I can't help it, the urge to protect you is so strong sometimes, I've lost count of the number of your famous glares I've got by suffocating you to much.

We've had so many good times and all that's running through my head now is 'please don't leave me,' I don't know what I would do if you left me, I think I would just fall apart. 

My hand reaches out of it's own accord and clutches at yours, you feel cold, it sends a jolt of fear through me. I brush some of your hair off your face, I love your hair, I can never stop touching it, or, when I can get near enough, smelling it. My hand traces your features, I love you so much it hurts, I can't bear to be apart from you. If you died…..I can't even think about it. 

All there is for me to do is just sit, holding tightly onto your hand, and watch you breathe. Everything else has faded away from my mind, all there is, is you. You're the centre of my universe, you're my everything, I couldn't live without you. 

I look round the sick-bay, there's no-one else here, hardly surprising seeing as it's three o'clock in the morning. The Doctor keeps on trying to assure me that you'll be alright, I really wish I could believe him. 

"I love you Kathryn," I don't even realise I'm speaking my thoughts out loud until I notice my voice, in a way voicing my deepest feelings makes me feel better and I can feel a slow smile spreading across my face. "I love you so much." 

I expect tomorrow everything will go back to normal, you won't remember this, won't even be aware that it happened. That's if you wake up tomorrow, the Doctor tells me you will, I won't believe him until I'm looking back into those beautiful eyes. You won't remember my bedside confession, I don't know whether to be relieved or upset. Slowly, my eyes still fixed on your beautiful face, I lean forwards. My lips gently brush against yours.

"I love you."  
I wonder if you will ever know what went on, while you were sleeping.

THE END 


End file.
